Katelyn and I have this friend. She was always just average looking, but in high school she started working out, eating better, dressing better, and just generally taking better care of herself. Basically she sprung into a beautiful and fashionable young lady. She felt better about herself, and more confident which was a direct result of taking care of herself. However, she began to change. She started not caring so much about the gospel and quit attending seminary, and she started dressing immodestly. It wasn't her newfound appearance that sprung these changes but rather her perception of what others thought of her that brought about the changes. More specifically, the constant compliments based solely on appearance. This girl used to be strong in the gospel. Faith unwavering. At first we weren't sure what brought about this abrupt change but Katelyn summarized it perfectly. We saw a picture of her wearing an item of immodest clothing on Facebook. An item that we always conversed about with her was wrong and we would never wear it. We were shocked and coudn't come to the root of what would cause her to suddenly change her values. Katelyn simply stated "It is because people constantly tell her how good she looks". I whole heartedly agree.
That is all of the story I am going to tell.
I hurt for this friend. Perhaps what hurts more is the fact that I was one of those people who were constantly telling her good her hair was, her makeup and how her outfits were straight out of a magazine. I see now the damage that can be done when we judge solely on appearance or when we only see what is on the outside. Katelyn found this article that sums up exactly how I feel.
That article is titled "How to Talk to Little Girls"
I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"
But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"
Most kids do.
"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"
"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
"What's your favorite book?" I asked.
"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"
Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.
I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom and Facebook.
Here's to changing the world, one little girl at a time.
This article really made me think about how I talk to not only little kids but how often I give compliments or have conversations that are based on appearances? I thought about how I always tell the little girls in nursery how cute their dresses are or how cute the bow is in their hair. How is this affecting them? This problem is truly an epidemic. If you stop and think about it this (compliments solely on appearance) can be found at the root of almost any problem. It starts the notion that we are better than others, which thus evolves into pride. And eventually leading us to do things because we think we can. And finally the ultimate catastrophe of forgetting our beliefs and values.
I have resolved to strive not to compliment and have conversations solely on appearance. Is there a time for them? Yes. In an event that someone has worked hard to lose weight, or a hardworking individual who finally spent some time on their self in the event to buy a new dress or a new hairstyle yes it is ok to acknowledge that. It is the excessive and constant batter, however, that leads to harm. Especially to little children, I resolve to look for other ways to compliment people and have conversations with. As the article suggests talking to little kids about what they are learning in school, talking about books, or family. It will be hard as it is so easy to smile at little Haley in nursery and proclaim "Your dress is just so pretty!" It is an easy conversation opener, but anything good is never brought about easily. I hope and pray for the guidance of the spirit to help me give meaningful, beneficial compliments and conversations.
So what to do about my friend? I continually pray for her, I hope to follow follow Katelyn's Christlike example and fast for her. I hope to constantly be an example to her and have the confidence to share my testimony with her. I know as I take the time to see the good in people by noticing things other than appearance I will begin to see them as my Savior sees them.
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